February 6, 2014


He had it the whole time and not even know it. ~ a.P.

One day my black winter coat had lost a button. It devastated me enough to throw my whole life away. Actually, no. But it did feel like a part of me was missing whenever I put it on. Yup, I still wore the jacket despite the strange sensation of something being gone..., or the nagging awareness of its absence... Yes, even for a small detail, a minutiae. That minutiae is the fourth front button of my otherwise nicely tailored, long, wool winter coat, which sports clean lines and a timeless, classic look untouched by trends and labeled Coffee Shop. Speaking of which, I love cafes and worked in one in college, and hope to run my own in the future, granted I am ready for the entrepreneurial responsibilities and spot the perfect place. Anyway, I have had that coat for years. So I was sitting in his car, at the ready in the driver's seat, in case the meter police had nothing better to do than to harass vehicles and/or the people waiting in them, when I spotted my jacket's long lost, good, ol' big, black button staring right at me, lost among the toll coins that fill up one of the dirty pits disguised as small compartments in his jeep. He had my button all along but did not even bother to 'spot' it. He should have. He should have really bothered spotting the things he dumps in his jeep by now, even once in a blue moon at least. And why not? Why not 'see' the mess? I have only reminded him many times before in the hopes that he would begin the process of cleaning up his mess and have just had about enough and a button missing until now. If he even noticed, I can only guess.

I wondered sometimes if his habit of taking things for granted translates to people, because once he owns something, it would either get tossed in the basement to gather dust like his plaques or left laying around neglected. I often wondered too if he merely uses the objects around him without really knowing their functions and if he does the same to the people in his life. If so, then I had better hurry on and make a move to find my own space. Because I like to clean up my clutter so I can breathe.

The button currently sits inside my coat pocket, along with my keys, at the ready for the day I grab a needle and thread for mending.

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