It was my fault

by amica paige



*2011 Writer's Digest November Pad Chapbook Challenge - Day 10
Prompt was to write something from a totally different angle.
This examines the thoughts that might assail a person victimized as a child by sexual abuse.

How did I get there?
I just went for a ride.
Mother okayed it,
she worked late on most nights.
Coach was always so kind,
Dad was nowhere in sight.


How did I get there?
I just went for a ride.
He was being so nice
for nearly no price.
Except for the dark times
when he did me much harm.


But I just could not say things
that would ruin him, dear.
I've had to consider
the more critical things.
Should be easy to do that,
if I swallow my pride.


Tried to push them away
from the back of my mind.
Yet the nightmares resurfaced,
as my dreams dissipated.
I've grown from a mere boy,
fed with guilt, shame, and pride.


I've tried to move on with
the rest of my life.
Yet the nightmares continue,
as my dreams disappear.
I try to forget it,
but mother sinks in her grief.


How did I get there?—
I still ask myself this.
Why should anyone fault him?—
no one fed me those fears.
It must have been me,
I must have been sick.